Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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