The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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