wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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