The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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