if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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