Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
