She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
