Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
