also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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