new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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