i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
