woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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