bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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