Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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