Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
