Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
