I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
