I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
