Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i think im in europe. pls send help
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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