i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
