We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
