Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
