yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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