I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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