woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
