And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
