is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
