I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
