at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
