the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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