He disabled his match.com account in front of me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He better not be in your backpack
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
