What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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