I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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