you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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