I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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