You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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