I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
