: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
