I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
