I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
