alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
