...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My ass is underappreciated
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
