He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
