Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
