If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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