is your mom at the bar?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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