either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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