i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
