I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
