Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
