cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
