tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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