Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
